I have this "vision" of myself. I guess it's more of a goal? I don't know. I have always wanted to be the earth mother type, the Zen Mama, if you will. Laid back, one with the earth, never raises her voice, heaping love and praise, an organized clean and "fresh" home, never rattled by anything. When I wake up in the morning, this is what I strive for. I do yoga, meditate, read books on spirituality, I am now even working toward eating a vegan, mostly raw diet. This is who I want to be, a picture painted solely by me.
It doesn't happen most days. Okay, any day. The house is trashed, I lose my temper and yell, and then I crave Doritos and a Dr. Pepper. Sigh.
Today, TODAY was close. We had a great morning of schoolwork, not too much TV, ate great, had fun with my kids. UNTIL.
Baby Girl never wants to keep a diaper on. She's had a diaper rash for a week now, so I have been letting her roam free. Only in the last day or so have I been asking her to please keep the diaper on (it's starting to make Brother feel uncomfortable). Today, she has refused to keep it on. Okay, no big deal. Then, she pees and poos all over her (carpeted) room. A mushy poo, like chocolate mashed potatoes. Awesome. Blood pressure rises a little, but I clean it up, put her in the bath, we are all good. Then, someone (ahem, Brother) has a bowel movement that inspires him. He decides to create a beautiful sponge painting-using his VERY used toilet paper-all over the toilet lid. If Picasso was a feces fan, he'd be so very proud. I clean that up, and the day goes on. I decide to take about 20 minutes to have a snack and some water and watch TV. Everyone is playing upstairs, and Baby Girl and I have had a few discussions about keeping on our diaper, so I figure I'm ok. It's time to go see Daddy play his basketball game. I get up to get myself ready, and here comes Baby Girl. "I have poooooop!" With no diaper on. "Mom, I have poop." There is no diaper. Where is the poop? Blood Pressure rises. "Baby Girl," I say low and slow, "go sit on the potty, I am going to go find the poop." I go upstairs to see that her brother's room has been "mash-potatoed". Yay. Clean it up. We can still make it. Here she comes up the stairs. "I want to go up here and go potty." Fine. Put her on the potty. Her legs and everything else. Okay. She finishes, I clean her off, we head downstairs. On the stairs, we pass little spots of goodness on each step. Then, in the hallway. We get to the living room. Here is when the Zen flies out the window. Poo in the living room, streaked up the carpet, and while I was cleaning up in her brother's room and she was supposedly on the toilet, there was-um-"playing". All I know for sure is now I have a very poopy plastic funnel. There may have been some yelling. Big sisters come down and report "mashed potato" sightings in 2 more rooms. More yelling. Head hurting, hands shaking.
Here we are, an hour later. Yes, an hour. It took me 45 MINUTES to clean up everything. There may have been some crying when Baby Girl came to "check on me", completely naked.
Will I ever achieve the goal of Zen Mama? I know nothing is perfect, nothing permanent, everything is always in a constant state of change, but my kids are getting older. They are going to remember this stuff!! I want them to look back at their childhood as a peaceful one. I want them to remember the sound of my voice laughing, singing, and saying, "I love you." than remember my voice yelling (this is the memory I have of people in my life...I can't remember what their regular voice sounds like, only the sound of his yell. It's haunting and sad.) Every day, I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back.
I guess I am still in that search. Searching to find a way to not take myself, life, poop so seriously. Just accept what is, and let it go. Let life come in and out like the tide. Be gentle on myself and my family. Breathe deeply and spend more time on the mat and meditating. Know that I am going to make mistakes, learn from them, and move on. Focus a little more. Find something that helps me relax that doesn't include MSG. Keep learning, keep moving, keep breathing.
And buy some duct tape for those damn diapers....
