So, this is a subject that I am sure most people don't want to talk about or read about. But, the truth is, it needs to be something that we CAN share about; not only for our own healing, but to help other women and families to cope.
I have had two miscarriages. One was about 7 years ago. I was about 8 weeks along and it was extremely tragic. It traumatized me to the point where we sold our house and moved 3 months later. The pain was horrible, but the mental and emotional trauma was even worse. I felt like there was something wrong with me or my body, or that I did something to kill my baby.
Of course, that is not true. Miscarriages are extremely common. I believe the statistics are about 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. So many of us have been through this. Knowing this doesn't make it any easier to go through, however. It's still a long, dark road of guilt, anger, sadness, confusion, and mourning, to name just a few emotions. You feel so alone. It's a wound that even AFTER the miscarriage is over (which can take a while!!), will never heal. It's been 7 years, and I have had 2 beautiful children since my first miscarriage, but there is still a place in my heart for my baby. Every once in a while, it feels like someone is missing. Then, I realize it's my sweet baby who I only got to have in my life for 7 short weeks. This will never go away. But, you move on and it does get easier.
Until you have another one.
Saturday, August 28, 2011. I was late and took a pregnancy test. It was positive. We were so excited. We tried to keep it to ourselves, but we just couldn't!! We were thrilled!! We shared it with family and a few close friends. We couldn't wait to add another child to our amazing family!!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011. I have a doctor's appointment. An ultrasound confirms that I have miscarried.
Even though I have 5 beautiful children, even though I have been through this before, even though this sort of miscarriage is very common, IT STILL HURTS. All the same feelings come flooding back. Why couldn't I carry this baby? What's wrong with me? Am I a bad mother? Why? Why? WHY?!?!!? I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. It was a roller coaster. I had to take medicine that made me have vivid nightmares. It was hell.
It's a week later, and it's still not over yet. I have to go in this week to have another ultrasound to confirm that it's done. I am starting to move on, I HAVE TO. I have 5 beautiful, IMPORTANT children, who need me. I have a husband who needs me. I have 2 dogs and a cat that need me. I have family and friends that deserve my attention. I have a life to live. But, in the back of my mind and in a small corner of my heart, my sweet baby whom I hardly knew is there, and I will never forget.
What do you say to a friend or loved one who is going through this?? I can tell you that I have received such perfect sentiments this week. Friends who just came over to the house, brought lunch and hung out, talking about anything, just being there. Emails from friends offering love and support. "We love you. We are here for you. I'm so sorry. I am thinking of you today. It's okay to feel what you are feeling." Messages and phone calls from sisters. " Feel what you want to feel. Call if you want to talk. Just calling to check on you." Text messages from my brother. "You are in my thoughts today." All of these made me feel so loved, so important, so RELEVANT and VALUED. That's what I needed.
What NOT to say? How about, "Well, you can always try again!" Really? How do you know that? Are you a Doctor? A Psychic? What if your parents had said that about YOU??
"You weren't THAT far along." Pregnant is pregnant. Period. (okay, that was odd.) This kind of comment just makes someone feel so unimportant and downplays their feelings. I guarantee you if someone said this to me, the next sentence out of my mouth would be, "I didn't hit you THAT hard!"
Nothing. Seriously? If someone close to you tells you they have had a miscarriage, one of the worst things you can do is say nothing. It just makes that person feel like you don't care. If you can't muster up anything wise, how about "I'm sorry." Then, at least, they'll know you care.
Miscarriages are common. They happen. But, they HURT. We need to offer our love, support, and lots of comfort (and comfort FOOD) to our family and friends in this time of need. For those of us going through the miscarriage, we need to SPEAK. Talk to someone. Write. Walk. Listen to music. Anything. You will never, ever forget your baby, but you have to be able to get out of bed and move on.
Let's not forget Dad. This is hard for him, too. Make sure you and your partner are talking. Check in with one another. Take care of each other. (Obviously, substitute Dad for Partner, if need be.)
I'm not a therapist or a doctor or nurse. These are just my thoughts on this. I hope they help someone.
A beautiful friend of mine recommended this website. It's a wonderful resource.
http://www.nationalshare.org
2 comments:
I am so sorry you went through that. I have had one myself and the only thing that comforted me was thinking that was my body's way of telling me something was wrong. Biologically, our bodies do take care of us. It is horrible though. I am so sorry
I'm so sorry to hear that. I had a miscarriage about 4 and a half years ago and it was heart breaking. I know how you feel. Sounds like you have a lot of support, thank goodness. Healing thoughts coming your way.
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